A Modest Proposal: Restroom Reform
The time was half past two, and the large conference room was packed with teachers. At
the head of the table, Principal Kracee cleared her throat. “Take a seat, everyone. Thank you for
taking the time out of your busy schedules to attend this mandatory meeting. First off, I am
obligated to introduce a new addition to our staff: Ms. Noor Mull.”
Noor Mull waved awkwardly. “Hi. I’m Noor Mull.”
Principal Kracee glanced down at her paper as her glasses started slipping down her nose.
“Moving on… We are gathered here today to discuss a very important issue that is wreaking
havoc across our school. Can anyone tell me what that is?”
“Teacher shortages!”
“Pay cuts!”
“Rats in the building!!”
“School lunch?”
Principal Kracee pointed her pen at each person who had called out. “No, no, no… and
yes, but we’ll get to that next time.” She sighed. “Really, people. Don’t you pay any attention to
what’s going on in the school?”
Luna Tech raised her hand. “It’s the school bathrooms, isn’t it?”
Principal Kracee nodded solemnly. “Yes, Luna, you are absolutely correct. The restrooms
have become a tool for students to attack this sacred institution of education and everything it
represents. They stink.”
The teachers murmured in agreement, while Noor Mull looked around in confusion.
“Today, I thought we could break down each of the individual ways students are abusing
the bathrooms, and brainstorm potential solutions. Would anyone like to kick us off?” Principal
Kracee smiled widely and glanced around the room, making eye contact with each teacher for
three seconds. “Dumn, would you like to start?”
Dumn Gy steepled his fingers. “Throughout my time at this school, I have observed that
students continually clog toilets with toilet paper and paper towels. I advise that we end our
policy of providing these amenities. Students can just… let it dry.” Dumn Gy spread his hands.
Principal Kracee nodded vigorously. “Absolutely, Dumn. That’s an excellent idea. If
anyone disagrees, please raise your hand.”
Noor Mull started to raise her hand, then dropped it as she realized everyone else was in
full agreement. It’s only your first day here, she scolded herself. Don’t get on anyone’s bad side.
Just roll with it… At least until you figure out what’s going on.
“Alright, no paper towels and no toilet paper in the restrooms…” Principal Kracee said,
scribbling on a pad of paper. “What else, people?”
Deem Ented leaned forward. “Hear me out. If we break the sinks, no water will come out,
and then the sinks won’t flood anymore.”
Noor Mull blinked in confusion.
Principal Kracee hummed in agreement. “Number two, no water. Alright, keep it
coming…”
Batty Mann pounded her fist against the table. “Those little brats keep skipping my class
to go to the bathroom! We should put someone in there to make them go back to class!”
Noor Mull reared back in surprise, but stayed silent.
Principal Kracee flipped her pad over and kept writing. “Excellent, Batty has volunteered
to be on bathroom duty… That will be an excellent place to hold your Human Anatomy classes.
Anything else?” she said sweetly over the sound of Batty Mann’s protests.
“Actually, I disagree.” Dee Ranj spoke up. Next to him, Noor Mull relaxed in her seat.
Glad I’m not the only one who thinks these “solutions” are insane. “Having Batty in the
bathroom won’t be sufficient to prevent students from cutting class. They can just lock the stall
doors… and we all know Batty won’t be able to crawl under those.”
The smile wiped off of Noor Mull’s face as she watched Batty Mann turn to Dee Mented
and crack her knuckles. “Excuse me, Dee?” Batty Mann asked menacingly.
“You’ve been excused.” Dee Ranj chuckled as he ducked to avoid Batty Mann’s punch.
“I think the clear answer is to remove the stall doors. Then they’ll have nowhere to hide.” He
snapped his fingers. “Hey, while we’re at it, we should remove the bathroom walls too. That
would fix our graffiti problem!”
Noor Mull gasped, shooting out of her seat. “This is crazy!” she cried. “You’re violating
student privacy and stripping away every usable function of the bathrooms! At this point, you
might as well get rid of the restrooms entirely!”
The conversation stalled as everyone took a moment to digest Noor’s outburst. At the
other end of the table, Principal Kracee twirled her hair. “Wow. Noor, I never thought you were
the type of person to say something like that. It must be because you’re Europanese.”
“European, actually,” Noor Mull responded automatically, then flushed as she realized
how that sounded.
Thankfully, Principal Kracee didn’t seem to notice. “You know what, Noor? That. Idea.
Is. Amazing!!” she sang. “I can’t believe we’ve never thought of it before!” She beamed and
threw her arms out to the side, knocking Luna Tech in the head. “Let’s close the bathrooms
tomorrow! We’ll never have to deal with this again!”
Noor Mull’s jaw dropped. “But—”
Principal Kracee shoved her way towards Noor Mull. “Don’t be modest, sweet cheeks.
Give me a hug! This is how we roll here.”
The time was half past two, and the large conference room was packed with teachers. At
the head of the table, Principal Kracee cleared her throat. “Take a seat, everyone. Thank you for
taking the time out of your busy schedules to attend this mandatory meeting. First off, I am
obligated to introduce a new addition to our staff: Ms. Noor Mull.”
Noor Mull waved awkwardly. “Hi. I’m Noor Mull.”
Principal Kracee glanced down at her paper as her glasses started slipping down her nose.
“Moving on… We are gathered here today to discuss a very important issue that is wreaking
havoc across our school. Can anyone tell me what that is?”
“Teacher shortages!”
“Pay cuts!”
“Rats in the building!!”
“School lunch?”
Principal Kracee pointed her pen at each person who had called out. “No, no, no… and
yes, but we’ll get to that next time.” She sighed. “Really, people. Don’t you pay any attention to
what’s going on in the school?”
Luna Tech raised her hand. “It’s the school bathrooms, isn’t it?”
Principal Kracee nodded solemnly. “Yes, Luna, you are absolutely correct. The restrooms
have become a tool for students to attack this sacred institution of education and everything it
represents. They stink.”
The teachers murmured in agreement, while Noor Mull looked around in confusion.
“Today, I thought we could break down each of the individual ways students are abusing
the bathrooms, and brainstorm potential solutions. Would anyone like to kick us off?” Principal
Kracee smiled widely and glanced around the room, making eye contact with each teacher for
three seconds. “Dumn, would you like to start?”
Dumn Gy steepled his fingers. “Throughout my time at this school, I have observed that
students continually clog toilets with toilet paper and paper towels. I advise that we end our
policy of providing these amenities. Students can just… let it dry.” Dumn Gy spread his hands.
Principal Kracee nodded vigorously. “Absolutely, Dumn. That’s an excellent idea. If
anyone disagrees, please raise your hand.”
Noor Mull started to raise her hand, then dropped it as she realized everyone else was in
full agreement. It’s only your first day here, she scolded herself. Don’t get on anyone’s bad side.
Just roll with it… At least until you figure out what’s going on.
“Alright, no paper towels and no toilet paper in the restrooms…” Principal Kracee said,
scribbling on a pad of paper. “What else, people?”
Deem Ented leaned forward. “Hear me out. If we break the sinks, no water will come out,
and then the sinks won’t flood anymore.”
Noor Mull blinked in confusion.
Principal Kracee hummed in agreement. “Number two, no water. Alright, keep it
coming…”
Batty Mann pounded her fist against the table. “Those little brats keep skipping my class
to go to the bathroom! We should put someone in there to make them go back to class!”
Noor Mull reared back in surprise, but stayed silent.
Principal Kracee flipped her pad over and kept writing. “Excellent, Batty has volunteered
to be on bathroom duty… That will be an excellent place to hold your Human Anatomy classes.
Anything else?” she said sweetly over the sound of Batty Mann’s protests.
“Actually, I disagree.” Dee Ranj spoke up. Next to him, Noor Mull relaxed in her seat.
Glad I’m not the only one who thinks these “solutions” are insane. “Having Batty in the
bathroom won’t be sufficient to prevent students from cutting class. They can just lock the stall
doors… and we all know Batty won’t be able to crawl under those.”
The smile wiped off of Noor Mull’s face as she watched Batty Mann turn to Dee Mented
and crack her knuckles. “Excuse me, Dee?” Batty Mann asked menacingly.
“You’ve been excused.” Dee Ranj chuckled as he ducked to avoid Batty Mann’s punch.
“I think the clear answer is to remove the stall doors. Then they’ll have nowhere to hide.” He
snapped his fingers. “Hey, while we’re at it, we should remove the bathroom walls too. That
would fix our graffiti problem!”
Noor Mull gasped, shooting out of her seat. “This is crazy!” she cried. “You’re violating
student privacy and stripping away every usable function of the bathrooms! At this point, you
might as well get rid of the restrooms entirely!”
The conversation stalled as everyone took a moment to digest Noor’s outburst. At the
other end of the table, Principal Kracee twirled her hair. “Wow. Noor, I never thought you were
the type of person to say something like that. It must be because you’re Europanese.”
“European, actually,” Noor Mull responded automatically, then flushed as she realized
how that sounded.
Thankfully, Principal Kracee didn’t seem to notice. “You know what, Noor? That. Idea.
Is. Amazing!!” she sang. “I can’t believe we’ve never thought of it before!” She beamed and
threw her arms out to the side, knocking Luna Tech in the head. “Let’s close the bathrooms
tomorrow! We’ll never have to deal with this again!”
Noor Mull’s jaw dropped. “But—”
Principal Kracee shoved her way towards Noor Mull. “Don’t be modest, sweet cheeks.
Give me a hug! This is how we roll here.”